Feelings

I think that so far I have been writing about what procedures have been done on me and quick little moments of how I feel about those procedures.  I do not think I have written too much about how I feel emotionally about all of this.  So, I thought I would take this time to talk a little bit about it so far.  I hope you do not mind my ramblings.

I do not know if I have dealt well with being diagnosed with cancer.  I do not know if I really let myself "explore" those feelings.  I have been slightly afraid that if I do, I might end up in bed crying for the next three days.  I did not want to be that girl who felt sorry for herself and used cancer as an excuse to not do things or to get out of doing some things.  I have wanted to feel somewhat normal though.  As normal as I could with chemo, hair loss, fatigue and going back to work.

I am lucky that the nurse practioner at my oncology office "checks in" on me emotionally.  She will ask some questions and I have gotten more comfortable speaking with her about how I feel.  I am glad that she is someone I can talk to about this experience and that she makes me feel comfortable enough to bring up what I may think are silly questions.

I am also glad that most everyone has treated me "normally" and has not put on kid gloves with me.  It is okay if you do though.  I do not mind but it is nice if you treat me as normal as possible.

I also get a little tired by the time I get home from work.  I am getting in the "hours" of sleep but I just feel wore out.  Sometimes that is a bit hard to deal with as my mind says "We have stuff we need to do" but my body may so "No, I am tired!!" So I will try to see what I really need to do and then get that done.  Weekends are great for catching up on rest, television shows and some crafty stuff!!

I am trying to deal with this in a positive manner though.  I do have times where I get down, discouraged and just plain old crying over this cancer thing.  That is normal and okay.  I try to remember that it is okay to feel these emotions but I do not want to dwell on them.  Instead, I want to do something good, something positive, something where I feel like I have accomplished something.

Thank you to all who have "checked in" on me as well.  It does mean a lot that you all care enough to see how I am really doing and feeling.  Thank you!! Also, your encouragement helps a lot too!! I do appreciate that!!

Jenn